When Making Peace Doesn’t Bring You Peace

Dear Dr. Darcy, 

I recently made up with my mother after not talking to her for almost a year. TBH, I only did it because of pressure I was getting from family and friends. My mother has always yelled and screamed at me when she’s mad but this last time she did it on Facebook and I was so embarrassed that I finally told her to stop calling me. 

I know you talk a lot about forgiveness and it being a choice, but I’m struggling to make peace with my decision to make peace with my mom. Is there something I can do to feel better about this?

 

Forgiveness is a choice. But it has to be your choice. Not something you felt pressured into. When that happens, you can tip into territory that my colleague Nedra Tawwab has coined toxic forgiveness, which is when you decide to forgive just to keep the peace or as part of a larger pattern of people-pleasing.

That kind of forgiveness can leave you feeling like you sold your soul — like you’re not being true to yourself — like you’re a doormat. 

That’s not good for you or for the person you’re trying to forgive. 

I think you need to ask yourself if there’s a part of you that actually wants to forgive your mother. If not, you can tell her you’re just not ready. It’s possible that it might open an opportunity for you to share with her why you were so hurt by her FB post/her inability to manage her anger. It’s also possible that she’ll use it to unleash more. If she does, let that confirm for you why you’ve made this decision.

If you conclude that there is a part of you that wants to forgive her and really feel the forgiveness, you may need to move through a structured process of forgiveness. I love Robert Enright’s Forgiveness is a Choice. I’ve followed his process myself and have come out feeling free from the burden that comes from being wronged by a loved one.

 

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight