The secret to my perfect relationship

Almost every day I find myself sitting across from a client who’s struggling with relationship envy, only the relationship that they’re envious of doesn’t really exist. It’s a curated version of a relationship (or, relationships) that they see on social media.

Nonetheless, most people I know (clients + friends) actually believe the carefully produced life stories they see on social media. Particularly when it comes to other people’s relationships. But the fact is, your friend’s social media feeds are a complete distortion of reality.

To prove my point, I’m going to share some things about my relationship that you won’t see on social media.

Read More

How bad can it actually be? The myths that cause us to avoid conversations.

We’ve all been there: You have a question to ask your partner – one you imagine will be touchy… You promise yourself you’ll do it tonight, and the next thing you know, you’re knee-deep in organizing the closet that’s needed attention for months. Or years.  And you are most definitely not having that conversation.

We avoid discussions when we imagine that the topic will be difficult, or that it will provoke a conflict. Sometimes we avoid conversations because we anticipate disappointing or hurting the other person. It’s the reason why we ghost.

The thing is, humans suck at accurately predicting how we’ll feel in the future. We consistently overrate the level of discomfort we’ll feel having a tough conversation – and we almost always fail to predict the possibility that the conversation will make us feel better. So why do we act as though we have this magical power?

Read More

Facing Fifty

In 32 days, I turn fifty. It’s a month and one day from today, in case 32 days isn’t precise enough for you. 

I have an interesting relationship to my birthday: A part of me believes it should be a national holiday while another part doesn’t think to make plans until I find myself in the week of.

I’ve watched this one advance for months.

I knew this post was coming, too. Although now that I’m in it, I’m questioning the direction it should take. 

My head tells me that it should be about my insides. My feelings. Fifty is a milestone, afterall. Am I content? Successful? Fulfilled?

But my heart keeps circling back to my body, which is how I know it’ll be impossible for me to describe turning fifty with any honesty if I don’t start with what you see. Or what I try hard for you not to see.

And it’s going to be truth. Not some watered down version of what I think I should share. 

I’m giving you all the details about my experience as I face 50.

Read More

This is why you’re still single

I just spent an hour researching the search term, “why you’re still alone.” I’ve never seen a topic riddled with more apathetic answers devoid of encouraging people to take personal responsibility in all the years I’ve been blogging.  Here’s a sample of what I found during that hour of my life that I’ll never get back:

“You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

“You’re being selective – it’s a good thing.”

“You have standards.”

“You’ve been hurt and you’re defensive but it’s ok.

“You haven’t made it a priority.”

“Real connections are rare.”

Really?

So I guess I have to be the bearer of truth and tell you the truth about why you’re still single.

Read More

The worst thing a friend ever did to me

Today I found myself recalling an old wound – one I hadn’t thought about in years.

A client told me, tearfully, about how hurt she is over having lost a childhood friend several years ago.

Her friend didn’t die. She stopped responding to her.  With no explanation.Which got me thinking about a time in my life when that happened to me.

It happened twice, actually. A decade apart.

Both times a ‘best friend’ left me swimming in unanswered questions because she lacked the integrity to prioritize our relationship over the momentary discomfort she would have to endure to tell me what I’d done (or failed to do) in the relationship. 

I’m going to tell you one of those stories and I’m going to use her real name because frankly, since she couldn’t be bothered to say goodbye, I can’t be bothered to think of a pseudonym.

Read More