Can You Have A Fight and Still Function As A Couple?

Dear Dr. Darcy,

I have an issue with my boyfriend. Anytime we have plans with other people and we have a fight or we’re not in a great place, we either have to cancel or he shows up with a bad attitude. 

I’ve told him how upset this makes me and he insists I’m unreasonable. So my question is, am I unreasonable to expect him to be able to keep our plans even when we’ve had a fight or at the very least, when we’re not in the perfect place as a couple?

 

The inability of people to get their shit together and show up appropriately is one of my greatest relationship pet peeves, and my intolerance is consistent across all my relationships — personal, professional, and intimate. 

I get that human beings have emotions. I’m a shrink. But I don’t understand people who think it’s ok to be emotionally undisciplined. I don’t understand feeling entitled to a resting bitch face, having flat affect, or behaving passive aggressively when you’re unhappy. 

Below is an incomplete list of things I say to myself when I’m feeling unhappy with someone I have to work with, or with my wife / daughter / niece and we need to socialize. 

  1. Darcy, how you feel is momentary. In the larger picture, you won’t even remember feeling this way. 
  2. Your mood is going to have an impact on people who have nothing to do with why you feel this way, which is terribly selfish and unfair. So smack a smile on your face. 
  3. You have to prioritize the relationship above how you’re feeling in this moment. 
  4. You’d get it together if these were clients. Or strangers. You owe it to those closest to you to behave at least as well. 
  5. You can revisit how you’re feeling after you’ve finished these plans. And if you show up the right way, you won’t also have to repair damage from either canceling or being passive aggressive. 

Healthy adults are able to have disagreements and still walk through the world as a unified front. I’d say if this guy isn’t interested in learning how to manage his emotions, it’s time to find an exit.

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight