Why Your Partner Thinks You’re Always Criticizing Them

Every now and then I come up with a new thought that sheds light on a common relationship problem in a more illuminating way. Last month I had such a thought. 

I think I cracked the code on why sometimes even the most carefully worded feedback lands on our partners like water on hot oil. 

Obviously you know I’m a shrink. Most of you know I’m also married to one (because lesbians just can’t talk enough about our feelings). What you may not know is that I struggle with the same issues in my relationship that my clients come to me for help with — different intensity levels of the same issues, and definitely with different frequency, lest you judge.

One of the things I find most frustrating is when I go through the mental gymnastics of phrasing a request using my “super duper relationship skills” and it lands on my wife like I impulsively spewed out words without a thought. 

I just scratched my head just writing this because even recalling it makes me feel confused. 

Here’s an example:

CONTEXT: Steph was supposed to clean the kitchen after last night’s dinner, and it’s noon the next day and the kitchen still hasn’t been cleaned. I know if I don’t say something and it’s a mess when we’re done with work, I’m going to be really pissed off, so rather than passively allow that to happen, I take a second stab at getting my needs met. 

DARCY: I’m not trying to be an asshole or high-maintenance, but can you please make an effort to do the things you say you’ll do? Or at least tell me you’re not going to do it so I can?

STEPH: Are you pissed off about something?

DARCY: No. Why?

STEPH: Then can you stop criticizing me?

In my head, I am asking her to clean the fucking kitchen like she said she’d do. But because I’m a pussy in my relationship / I really try hard not to cause a fight, I phrase it so carefully that it sounds vague and lands like a smear on her character, rather than as a request to clean last night’s dishes.

The difference is in the size. 

I could have asked her to clean the kitchen, but I didn’t want to sound like a patriarchal dick so I didn’t specifically reference the dishes from last night’s dinner — because I worried it would land on her as “woman’s work”and hold the subtext that because I earn more money, I expect her to do all the stuff that gets done in the kitchen. In the process, I made it sound like I was judging her character because I didn’t give her a specific thing to do right then and there to meet my needs. 

It’s a MACRO request versus a MICRO request. 

The vague, polite, tap-dancing request is a MACRO request. 

The one that would have given Steph something to do in the moment is a MICRO request.

We need to make our requests as specific and as small as possible. 

The bigger the request — the more steps involved — the more overwhelming it lands on our partners, and the less clear they are about how to meet our needs. 

I’ve never phrased it this way. 

Next time you want to make a request, first ask yourself:  How would they act in this moment if they were already doing what you want? 

Then ask for that specific thing.