My Wife Recently Asked For An Open Relationship

Dr. Darcy, I’ve been married for almost 7 years to a woman I love very much. For the past few years, our relationship has gone from scheduled sex to sexless. TBH, I’m fine with it being sexless, but she is not. She’s the reason we began having scheduled sex and although I was willing to try it, the outcome was pretty terrible because the pressure to perform made me unable to maintain an erection. 

My wife recently asked me to have an open relationship. She has a sex drive. I don’t. But the thought of her being physically intimate with someone else makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t know any other couple who lives that kind of lifestyle so I don’t have a frame of reference for it working out. 

What should I do? 

 

 

The nature of long-term relationships is that both partners get a vote in what those terms are. And while every relationship requires compromise, forced celibacy does not fall under that category. It’s a life sentence and it doesn’t reflect the love you claim to have for your wife. 

Sex lulls happen in all LTRs. But you’re saying that you’re OK with a sexless relationship, which is not the same thing. It’s OK if you’re fine being sexless, but it’s not cool to impose that on your partner who wants to have an active sex life. 

I think these are your options: 

A.   Go to an MD to confirm there’s not a medical explanation for your libido.

B.   Have a long talk with yourself — ideally in the presence of a shrink — about why you might not be interested in having sex with your wife, whom you love and are happily married to. There could be a dozen explanations that could be resolved with great therapy. 

C.   Decide you don’t want to explore or resolve your libido, which renders you with three more options: 

  • Agree to explore an open relationship. Listen to podcasts and buy some books dedicated to that lifestyle. You don’t need a relationship role model. Gays didn’t have them. 
  • End the marriage because you’re not willing to explore an open relationship. Divorcing in this situation is the equivalent of loving a pet enough to put them to sleep when they’re suffering and there’s no hope. Your wife is the pet here. Don’t punish her for loving you and for being loyal. 
  • Make no changes and be a douchebag. 

 

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Male

Sexual Orientation: Straight