There’s No Escaping Your Childhood Wounds — so you might as well heal them

Hi Dr. Darcy.

My partner of almost 6 years cannot seem to do the one thing I’ve been asking him to do since the beginning: Stop yelling at me when he’s mad.

I come from a mother who has struggled with rage my entire life. He knows this. We’ve been in counseling on and off for years to address different ways for him to act when he’s upset and although he’s improved, I still feel like a 10 year old child when he gets angry with me and it causes me to avoid having serious conversations with him. 

I’m beginning to think he’ll never change enough and that this is just who he is. The thought of breaking up with him is so overwhelming after being together so long. Do you think there’s any hope for us?  

I do think there’s hope. But the person who needs to change is you. Not him. 

You say he has improved. And you’re beginning to wonder if any amount of change on his part will be enough. Good for you. There’s your answer. 

That thing that you hate about your mother — the way she makes you feel when she’s pissed off — you will experience that feeling in any long-term relationship because it is a wound inside of you that needs to heal. Let me explain why.

Your brain linked up rage with love because your mother, who presumably was the first person you loved, struggled with rage. As a child, you couldn’t untangle the two. Those attributes (love and rage) wired together. Today, they fire together in a very complex neural network. And that will continue to happen until you heal that wound and untangle the two. 

We can’t escape doing this deep work unless we’re willing to re-experience those terrible trauma networks again and again in our long-term relationships. 

There’s no picking a better partner because even if by some stroke of luck you find someone who doesn’t struggle with anger and who can speak calmly during disagreements, you will unconsciously project (imagine) your mother’s response style onto your partner, or you will provoke your partner to act in ways that will make you feel the same way you felt as a child, because you are trying to feel loved and for you, love is knotted up with anger.    

I say all this presuming he does not put his hands on you in anger and that you have no reason to feel physically unsafe in the relationship. Which is not to say that you feel emotionally safe. I understand that when he’s angry or when you’re both angry, you likely feel emotionally unsafe. Feelings and facts don’t necessarily line up. 

What I want you to do is email me [DarcySterling.phd@gmail.com] so I can find you a qualified therapist who can facilitate the kind of healing you need. You’ve told me he’s changed. Now it’s your turn. I think you got this but ultimately it’s your call. 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight