He Won’t Go Where?

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have been with my boyfriend since grade 10. That’s a good 9 years. We have 1 daughter. And…he refuses to go down on me. He always said it grosses him out. So for a long time I bitched about it because I do it for him. Finally a long time ago I got him to do it and he seemed disgusted. I felt humiliated. Recently our sex life is so boring. I could probably tell you how it goes everyyyyy time. That’s how boring it is. So we got in a huge fight over it. Almost broke up because I just feel it isn’t fair. Anyways he says reluctantly he’ll do it. But I know he doesn’t want to. He’s only doing it to shut me up. It makes me feel so awkward. And now that it is so weird I don’t even want him to do it. I had sex with a girl. He knows and was completely fine with it. But ever since then I feel like I’m more into doing fun things in bed and he’s still his boring self. I mean we don’t even make out.  Maybe for a second. He won’t even buy porn. I mean I’m at a loss. What do I do? I feel horrible saying this but I almost want to go elsewhere for sex. But I love him so much I couldn’t. And wouldn’t risk our family. But like I’ve said, we argued about this for years. And it never goes anywhere. What do I do?

ANSWER

The woman in me is inclined to tell you to cut your losses and drop kick this guy because I find his “blow me, but I won’t go down on you,” attitude to be so offensive.  But the shrink in me is screaming about the human potential for change.   As a compromise, tell your boyfriend that he needs to get into couple’s counseling immediately with you or you’ll find a real man who will gladly spend hours between your legs. And let’s give him 2 weeks to follow through with this, lest you waste any more time on this douche bag.

There’s a reason why we tell kids not to have sex and that reason is perfectly illustrated in your story:  When kids have sex, they don’t have the emotional muscles developed or the self-esteem necessary to know what the deal breakers are in relationships.  Consequently, they allow themselves to remain in long-term relationships in which, for example, one partner gives oral sex and the other partner refuses to.

This guy is so bad for your self-esteem that I’m virtually speechless. And here’s the real tragedy:  You’ve been with him so long and from such a young age that beyond the shadow of a doubt, you won’t escape this relationship without battle wounds.  You’re going to have enough baggage to keep a shrink busy for a couple of years.  I suggest you email me for some names so you can begin doing your time on a coach.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.