Why You’re Single AF

Whether you’ve been single for a day or a decade, the week leading into Valentine’s Day can be a particularly tough one. 

As a relationship expert, I want to state for the record that I don’t believe everyone needs to be in a relationship. Truly. 

But if you want to be in a relationship and aren’t, I offer up to you some no-nonsense advice:

“I want to find my person IRL (in real life).” If you’ve been trying to find a partner ‘organically,’ ie, sans dating apps, it’s time to try something new. If you refuse, you’re part of the problem. How do I know? You’re still single. 

“Dating apps don’t work.” They do. I promise you. And they do for everyone. So, if  you’ve been using a dating app to no avail, you’ve got 1 of 2 problems:

1. NOT GETTING FIRST DATES: And because I won’t be happy unless the visual organization of this post is a mess, there are of course 2 potential reasons for this:

   • Your profile isn’t set up in a way that attracts what you say you want.

     • WHAT TO DO: 
       Review the components of your dating profile to confirm that all the elements (your pictures, your bio, etc.) reflect that you’re looking for a relationship. Also, make sure that phrase, “I’m looking for a relationship,” is written in your bio. Literally those words.

   • You’re not good at communicating with matches.
     Again, there are 2 possible reasons why this is happening:

     • Your communication is inconsistent. Basically, you stop texting/messaging. Or you take too long to respond. And your matches have a lot of options, so they move on.

     • You suck at flirting. You either don’t flirt with your matches (ie, you communicate the way one would talk to their boss), or you’re throwing up red flags that are scaring people away (you’re oversharing, you sound miserable, you double message/text).

     • WHAT TO DO: Go back through your communications and see where you fell short. If that seems too complicated, go back through your communications, and if the dates/timestamps show that you’re consistently responding to your matches but they never lead to a first date, it means you suck at flirting and it’s this second thing that needs work. To do that work, please don’t reach out to a therapist. Find a dating coach who specializes in teaching people how to flirt.

2. NOT GETTING SECOND DATES

   • This means you suck on first dates. The reasons why vary, from not picking creative places to meet (though this is rarely the explanation), to conducting first dates like you’re interviewing someone who wants to work for you. Most likely it’s this last one. Which basically means you don’t know how to flirt.  Another reason why you don’t get second dates could be that you’re throwing up red flags, like oversharing, sounding miserable or a combination of both.

     • WHAT TO DO: Find a dating coach who specializes in teaching people how to flirt.

3. IT NEVER TURNS INTO A RELATIONSHIP

   • This happens when any of the above-referenced issues come to light while dating. Those include and are mostly limited to:

     • You weren’t transparent about wanting a relationship in the first place, and you become confused when it didn’t magically transition into the thing you never declared wanting.

     • During the dating process, you failed to flirt, which resulted in your date feeling like there wasn’t any ‘chemistry,’ and the shit just died off. 

     • You communicated inconsistently. Which made your date question whether or not you were into them. In fact, if I was your date’s therapist, I probably told them you weren’t, or I told them that they deserve someone who knows to text within 24 hours of a date to express that they had a good time. Then lock in the next one within a day or two thereafter. So there’s that. 

     • You did something to throw up red flags: You let your crazy out too soon, whether it was oversharing, not pacing yourself, sounding miserable, or a mashup thereof.
       WHAT TO DO: Therapy, mama. Therapy.