Why You Suck At Having Serious Conversations (and how to have one the right way)
You suck at having serious conversations because you fear they will provoke conflict, which in turn makes you avoid them. And we don’t master skills that we avoid practicing.
Serious conversations aren’t what provokes conflict. Your avoidance of them causes conflict. It’s what shrinks call a self-fulfilling prophecy: What you worry will happen, happens, because you unconsciously / unintentionally provoke it.
A life spent avoiding serious conversations means you become a master accommodator. You repress your own needs, feelings, and opinions, in exchange for the illusion of peace and harmony.
Do you know anyone like this? And if so, do they look happy to you?
Here’s the answer: They’re not.
If they’re successful, at best they unintentionally teach younger family members that serious conversations, differences in opinions, or expressing one’s needs, is a dangerous gamble.
More likely, they make their unhappiness known through passive aggressive behaviors (they indirectly communicate contempt, they check out through addictive behaviors, they have affairs, etc.).
The worst part is that they never test the strength of their relationships because they don’t reveal their true selves. So they never achieve the secure attachment style that therapists have been shouting about for years.
In the absence of that, their insecurity in the relationship deepens.
Every time you bypass having a serious conversation, you reinforce to your nervous system the idea that they’re dangerous. It’s like repeating a deadlift with bad technique. The more you do it, the harder it is to correct.
I think I’ve made my point.
Here’s how to have a serious conversation proper technique.
PREPARE (stuff you do alone):
- Pick a topic. Then narrow it to the here-and-now. You’re not in court. You don’t have to launch a case with historical evidence for your feelings, your opinion, or your thoughts. Find a recent example of the topic, talk only about that, and do not bring other people’s opinions into the conversion.
If you make the rookie mistake of bringing up a topic that’s too general — too wide — you will overwhelm the person and they will go into their survival response style which will activate the part of their brain that is not conducive to having a productive conversation, and it will pull the part of their brain that is rational and reasonable, offline.
2.Identify the purpose of the conversation. There are 2 reasons for having a serious conversation:
- You have a behavioral request.
- You want to share your feelings and so that you can be heard and (ideally) validated.
This is a very important part of your prep. If you’re not clear about the goal of the conversation, you will make a dozen mistakes that this post can’t possibly cover, and both of you will walk away feeling demoralized. Figure out what you want. Then write it down because you’ll need it later.
3.Request time to talk. Tell them you’d like to have a conversation about [insert topic here] and ask for a mutually-convenient time to discuss it.
Why? You’ve had weeks, months, or probably years to think about this. They deserve a minute to contemplate their thoughts on the topic and to pick a time when they feel emotionally capable of talking.
Timing is, as they say, everything in life. Half the conversations that end in conflict are because one person was impulsive and the other felt (and often was) ambushed. Doing this 1 thing will increase the odds of a neutral-to-good experience exponentially.
FACILITATE (stuff you do when you’re about to start the conversation):
If the word facilitate makes you feel like a coach, a shrink, or a teacher, I don’t know what to tell you. You can feel burdened and do it anyway. You’re not a victim. You need to take some responsibility for ensuring that the conversation goes well by creating some safety at the top.
1.Set the tone. Thank them for showing up. Let them know that your intention is to have a loving, respectful conversation where you both feel heard and understood.
2.Follow your prep. Start by discussing the narrow version of the topic you prepared for. Remember that your feelings are valid. If you feel compelled to give them an example, choose a recent event and focus more on how it made you feel than what the other person did or didn’t do.
3.Let them know what you need from them. Too often, people in my personal life launch into a conversation with me and, because I’m a professional problem solver, I start offering up behavioral changes I’m willing to make or tell them what I think they should do to feel better — only to be told that they just want to share their feelings.
Tell your partner what you want before they make the mistake I’ll be making till the end of my days, as this is a very common dynamic in relationships.
4.Hear them out. And to do this properly, click here to learn how to mirror and validate their feelings. It’ll keep them deescalated and increase the likelihood that you’ll get your needs met.
See? Not so hard.