What To Do When You’re Touched Out

Dr. Darcy, I’m a mom who works from home with two small children who are 5 and 9. I know being a mom is exhausting but lately my kids have been so clingy when they get home from school and especially when they’re sick, their need for physical comfort is so much that by the time I put them to bed, even if all my husband wants to do is cuddle, I feel like any more touch will make me jump out of my skin. 

It’s not that I’m not attracted to him because I am. It has nothing to do with sex. But since sex involves physical touch (and I’m all touched out), I struggle to tolerate any more touch than I have to. 

I don’t want this to turn into something bigger and I feel guilty even having these feelings because I can imagine myself at a future point missing having my kids clinging to me, but honestly right now I would kill for one day when no one touches me.

 

I can only imagine how much of your own judgment you had to wrestle with to discuss this issue. We put so much pressure on parents — mothers in particular — who feel anything other than pure elation and gratitude for parenthood. The reality is that parenting is a grind for even the best resourced. And it was never meant to be a full-time job for a person who has a full-time job. If that lands as judgment, please know I don’t intend it that way. But to get change, you’re going to have to change. 

 

The problem is that you’re working from home, so you get no reprieve or separation between your day job and your parent job. You’re a captive audience to the kids, who can’t possibly understand that being close to you physically can also mean that you’re off limits to them during work hours.

 

And I’m guessing that when the kids are sick, you’re even more hands on with their care, and possibly even sleeping with them to offer comfort at night. Which is ironic since sleeping with children rarely results in the parent having a comfortable night’s sleep. 

 

You’re over-giving. You need boundaries. And the only question at hand is determining which boundaries you can tolerate. They’re all going to make you feel uncomfortable. But I can assure you that your kids (and everyone else in your life) would prefer better quality time with you than full access to you 24/7 when you’re completely burnt out. 

 

Below are your options as I see them. I’d pick at least 2 of 3 and apply immediately. 

 

WORK A HYBRID SCHEDULE

  • Get into the office a minimum of 2x’s weekly. You deserve to miss your kids, miss your home, and miss your husband. When you’re in the house 24/7, you miss no one and fantasize about alone time. 
  • If getting into the office isn’t a practical option, find a co-work space that you can work from at least a couple days a week. I remember being so excited when my mother walked in the door at night. You deserve to experience that from your children. 

 

GET THE KIDS INTO AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES

  • When you work from home, your home can’t be the after-school program. It’s an unrealistic expectation both of yourself and of the kids. So if you can’t or won’t leave the home, the kids should, at least a few days a week. 

 

STOP SLEEPING WITH THE KIDS WHEN THEY’RE SICK

  • First of all, a sick mother is less effective than a healthy one. And we know that proximity to germs, especially during sleep, essentially invites their illness to use you as a host. 
  • The kids need to learn how to self-sooth. They need to be able to sleep alone when they’re unwell — with exceptions of course — so look at the next cold as an opportunity to begin teaching them how to sleep solo. They won’t necessarily grow out of wanting company at night. 

 

YOU NEED ALONE TIME

  • You’re more than a mother, a wife, and an employee. You’re a human being who needs time alone. When’s the last time you were bored? Exactly. 
  • Sign up for something fun that exposes you to people and /or a new activity. Do it ALONE. 
  • One of the best tips I ever got from a couples therapist was for each of us to engage in a new activity, alone, so we would have fresh things to talk about. Do it once and you’ll see the value. 

 

As I said at the top, none of this will be easy. It’s all going to be hard. 

I’m suggesting that you pick a different kind of hard from the one you’ve been living with. 

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight