The Real Reason Your Fights Never Get Resolved

I’ve been a therapist for over two decades, and if there’s one pattern I’ve seen in nearly every long-term relationship, it’s this: Couples don’t keep fighting about new things. They fight about the same thing, over and over—just in different outfits.

One of you shuts down. The other gets louder. One pushes for connection, the other pulls away. And before you know it, you’re back in the same loop you swore you’d never repeat.

Here’s what most people miss: The thing you’re arguing about isn’t the real problem. It’s not the mess, the scheduling conflict, or the unanswered text. It’s the emotional landmine those moments set off—and how your nervous system reacts before your brain can even process what’s happening.

Relationship conflict is often less about logic and more about biology. When we feel emotionally threatened, our systems go into self-protection. That might look like stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, or complete shutdown. And these aren’t just bad habits—they’re adaptive responses, shaped by early experiences. In other words, they’re part of your attachment blueprint.

This week on We Need to Talk, I sit down with Julie Mennano—licensed therapist, author of Secure Love, and host of The Secure Relationship Podcast—to unpack this dynamic. Julie’s work in attachment theory is transformational. She doesn’t just explain your patterns—she gives you the tools to change them.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why some relationship conflicts never feel resolved—and why it’s not about the dishwasher.
• How your attachment style and nervous system responses are shaping your conflict cycle.
• Practical tools for moving from conflict and disconnection to repair and reconnection.

If you’re stuck in a pattern of unresolved arguments, here’s what I want you to know:

You’re not broken. Your partner isn’t your enemy. But something in your relationship dynamic is trying to get your attention.

When you learn how your body responds to emotional stress—and how your partner’s does too—you stop taking their reactions so personally. You stop interpreting distance as rejection, or anger as an attack. You begin to see those behaviors for what they are: Protective strategies.

And that shift? That’s where healing begins.

This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior. It’s about understanding the emotional wiring underneath it—so you can respond from a place of clarity instead of reactivity. Because the goal isn’t just to end the fight. The goal is to stop having the same one.

Xxoo Darcy

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