How Long Is Too Long To Wait For A Proposal?

Dear Dr. Darcy,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We are living together and in our early thirties. I’m ready to get engaged but when I bring it up he gets nervous and says it’s only been 3 years. But I feel like 3 years at our age is like 10 in your twenties. I don’t want to push him but I don’t want to remain still either. I don’t want to offer him an ultimatum but I also don’t want to waste any more time if this is not headed anywhere. What should I do?

 

It’s funny how my answers change with time. When I first started writing an advice column, I’d have told you to focus on being the best partner you can be — mostly because I’ve never seen a partner fail to commit when they’re truly happy with the relationship. 

There is, however, the reality of time and age and if you want children and do not want to freeze your eggs, you’ll be risking a tradeoff if you allow him to set the pace and then can’t have children because he waited too long. 

Three years is a solid amount of time in your 30’s. Were I you, I’d confirm that he wants to get married, and I’d ask what his timeline is for making that happen.

If he gives you a vague answer, I’d want to know what his hesitation is. Are there aspects of you or the dynamic between you that he’s hoping will change? Change is unlikely to happen unless he communicates his needs to you. 

If his answers to these questions don’t leave you with a clear understanding of when he thinks he’ll be ready and why he’s not ready now, I think you need to reevaluate the relationship. Breakups suck, but the more time you invest, the harder the breakup becomes. If at the end of the day the two of you want different things, you need to know so you can figure out your next move. 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight