We feel compelled to reach an orgasm – with our partner as the facilitator.
We want you to feel good and we know that watching us finish makes you…finish faster. If I can be honest.
Which is why we fake it. Often.
And at some level, you know this.
It’s the thought that floats through your mind when she starts screaming after only 3 minutes of intercourse – which your ego just as quickly stifles because truly, you are that good.
It’s evidenced by her seemingly unlimited ability to go without sex. And it’s underscored by the sweat dripping off your forehead after you’ve been going down on her in excess of 20 minutes without any grand finale on the horizon.
What you don’t know is that it isn’t your fault.
If you’re between the age of 12 and 65, chances are you learned how to have sex by watching porn. And what’s worse, she did too. The result is an entire population of men and women branded with unreasonable expectations of themselves and of their partners. Aside from the obvious surgical enhancements common among porn stars, the performative quality of the act itself is something rarely considered by impressionable teens who turn to porn for much of their sex education.
The fact that we also learned about sex through porn means we’ve essentially been socialized to believe that there is something wrong with us if we don’t orgasm on demand. The net-net is that most men don’t know how to please a woman and most women are in denial about the extent to which they are unfulfilled sexually.
Women are complicated. By comparison, men are not. The vast majority of us do not do well without foreplay, which, by the way, begins by seducing our thoughts, not our bodies.
Break the routine. Why? Because the unknown is sexy. Recall the dating ritual, which typically takes place somewhere other than either person’s home. Begin taking her on dates where she’s never been before.
Ask new questions. If you know everything there is to know about her, it means you both need to get involved in some new activities without one-another. New activities will provide you with new material to discuss, which is part of how you will begin the cerebral seduction.
Give her your undivided attention. Nothing’s a bigger turn off than being with someone who checks his phone…For any reason. Decide that there will be times of the day when you will not look at your phone.
Ask her to email you one of her sexual fantasies. Most women won’t have one on the tip of their tongue to share, so make it easy for her and just ask her to send it to you.
Send her erotica. She’s told you what she wants. Show her that you understand what she wants, and write a little story about how it plays out. Be as descriptive and specific as possible. Hold off on graphic sex until the end. Make her want to read about sex before actually getting to it. Follow her lead. If she uses dirty words, do the same. If she avoids them, it means she’s probably not turned on by them.
Create new habits. Spend two weeks looking for opportunities to touch her in a non-sexual way. She’ll be surprised when the touch doesn’t turn sexual, and your homework is to make sure that it remains a-sexual. For now.
Take your time. When you’re sure that sex is on her mind and she’s no longer associating your every touch with sex, you’re ready. As a foreplay guideline (and because I dislike ambiguity), I’m going to suggest that you spend a minimum of 20 minutes above her waist before heading south. By the time you head there, she should show signs of having relaxed including rapid breathing, flushed skin, skin that is moist to the touch and relaxed muscles.
Delay gratification. Withhold any penetration (digital or otherwise) and direct clitoral stimulation until you see her back begin to arch and / or some movement from her pelvis. There’s plenty to enjoy while her excitement rises. Stay in control so she can lose control.
Forget the goal. Don’t focus on her orgasm. Focus on her pleasure. If the orgasm is a by-product of her pleasure, bonus for you both. The only goal is to flood her with pleasure.