Q

Hi Dr. Darcy, I’m a 23-year old female and I’m in a throuple with a straight couple. Samantha is in her late twenties and Justin is in his early thirties. They’re emotionally intelligent, successful and fun individuals who think monogamy is not the answer to long-term happiness.

The only reason I opted into this is because I’m in love with Samantha. He’s cool and all, but he’s just the entry fee…

We’ve all talked about the fact that two way relationships will develop at different speeds and different intensities.

What should I do about this long-term?

A

For my readers who aren’t familiar with the word, a throuple is a couple plus one.  And if you thought being monogamous was tough, try being flexible in your relationship model.

Everyone’s reason for choosing a relationship framework is different. Yes, even monogamists have reasons, though I’d argue that society makes it so most people don’t ponder theirs.

Back to my writer: I applaud your honesty about your reason for entering a throuple. You’re mostly into Sam (I wanted to make her a dyke. Let me have my moment). The guy’s OK, but he’s the price of admission. Fair enough. At least for now.

But you’re wondering what’s to be long-term, particularly since you’re more into her than you are him.

I think it’s OK to be more into one person. Or to have specific needs fulfilled by one person, and other needs fulfilled by the third. Remember, that’s why most people choose to open their relationship: They think it’s unreasonable to expect one person to fulfill their every need for the rest of their life.

Operating under that guiding principle, Sam is clearly fulfilling you emotionally. And he has his appendage, which for some, beats a strap-on. And I’m presuming he has other qualities that she doesn’t.

Listen, the more I write this, the more I keep hitting a variety of walls.

You didn’t choose to be in a throuple. I mean you did, but as the price of admission. You want to be with Sam. Which is not a sustainable fuel source, because eventually your frustration with having to tolerate him is going to come out sideways, resulting in either you unconsciously helping her to exit her relationship with him (most people in your position would never do this consciously) or with you and him deciding that you’re incompatible which will then place Sam in the miserable position of having to choose to remain in the primary relationship with him, or leave him for you.

I wonder which of them (Sam or Justin) was the first to want to open up the relationship. I suspect it was Sam, and I’m betting she agreed to a throuple for the same reason you did: If the only way to be with a woman was to allow her boyfriend to be with you too, she was willing to compromise.

At the end of the day, I think you’re two women who want to be with each other, and Justin is your passport. I don’t see it working. Mostly for him.

Writer’s Demographics
Female, Bisexual.