Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 11.09.43 AMDear Dr. Darcy: 

A close friend of mine might be in hot water. She found out her boyfriend (whom I’ve always hated) was basically cheating on her and doing things like going to strip clubs behind her back. She enlisted some of our friends to get back at him. They took him down to a club that has a bad reputation and convinced him to try a glory hole. It wasn’t hard because he’s a cheating jerk with no respect for women. They arranged to have the girl behind the wall trade places with one of our friends, a gay man. He had no idea he was being sucked by a man and that we were all watching. Right after he came my friend surprised him and caught him literally with his pants down. She broke up with him right there and revealed he had just gotten a blowjob from a man.

I witnessed it and I have to say it was glorious. His face was priceless and I wish I had a picture of it. He is the biggest homophobe and cop supporter. The angrier he got the funnier it was. Eventually we all split because he was getting a little scary. Later we heard that he was telling people he was raped and that he was planning to sue. He said it was “straight baiting” and that it was illegal.

So did we do anything wrong? I would do it again in a heartbeat. If it’s illegal it shouldn’t be. Sure, our friend group is pretty wild and we have a good time. He wasn’t hurt. It serves him right for being so homophobic.

ANSWER

His lawsuit would look like this: Guy buys cocaine, uses, decides it was too cut/very impure, tries to sue drug dealer. It’s not happening. The blowjob that he got was illegal because there was payment involved. That it came from a man is irrelevant, though clearly not to him.

This was one of the funniest and karmically-correct stories I’ve ever heard. This guy’s got more character flaws than my audience has patience to hear me lament on, so I’ll close with saying it was perfection. Well done.

Writer’s Stats: Femme, Lesbian


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Screen Shot 2014-12-01 at 4.14.31 PMYou’ve made it through Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Congratulations. You’re now officially in the holiday swing. And I’m now officially in my busy season. It’s sad but true. Shrinks have ‘busy seasons.’ Between now and January 1, I could double my clinical hours if I could clone myself, which I can’t, and so in the spirit of keeping you all grounded, I’m giving you my Holiday Survival Guide – sans appointment.

1.  They want your time. Not your anxiety. Your kids, your friends, and your guests want you to be present. They don’t care if the meal is perfect, if the table remains messy until after they leave, or if you tick every item off your To-Do list within your self-imposed deadline. They do care if you look so neurotic that you need a benzo to make it through the meal. Lower your expectations. Make your daily goal to be in the present moment, not fretting it away thinking about the presents you can’t afford.

  1. Schedule time to take care of yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have. Commit to a workout regime with a friend, don’t skip manicures/massages, soak in a bath and read a book – not because you want to learn anything, but because you want to relax.
  1. Commit with care. If you say YES to every invitation you receive this season, you’ll have no ability to follow numbers 1 & 2. The New Year brings with it some open space. Schedule some of your socializing for January.
  1. Do a grab bag. Stop buying for Aunt Annie and Grandpa Jimmy’s stepson. It’s too much time and money. And most of those gifts go unused anyway.
  1. Buck up for a hotel. Don’t shack up with family. It’s too much. You need alone time, decompressing time, and most of all, silence time. You’re welcome in advance.
  1. Identify safe topics before you visit family. Test them out with a friend ahead of time.
  1. Reflect on holidays gone by, particularly those in which you found yourself knee-deep in miserable discussions. Find a way to avoid those topics this year.

So there you have it. Take care of yourself, be kind to those you love, and be tolerant of those you don’t. The only goal you should have for this holiday season is navigating it with more peace and laughter than you did last year.


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