Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 11.12.49 AMHi Dr. Darcy. 

My relationship started as long distance. A month or so after we started living together everything was good, our sex life was healthy and fun. Four years later we can go weeks or months without having sex. My partner is constantly bringing this up and making it clear she’s not happy because of the lack. We are close and spend a lot of time together but the sex has gone. The pressure she puts on me to bring it back isn’t exactly a turn on. I spend a lot of time worrying about when she will next start an argument about it. I love her & I want our sex life back but I don’t seem to be able to actually make the step and neither can she. What can I do? I don’t want this relationship to end and that seems to be the way she thinks it is leading.

ANSWER

Make no mistake: Your relationship is headed for the end unless you (the collective You) find a way to become sexually intimate.

If you’re waiting to be turned on, it’s never going to happen. You’ve fallen into a power struggle around sex (she demands – you refuse). No one finds a nag sexy, and no one sticks around in a sexless relationship when they still have a need for sex.

The solution lies in behaving your way to success rather than waiting to feel differently. Start by assigning new meaning behind her requests for sex. Instead of “worrying about when she will next start an argument about it,” try viewing her requests as an attempt to connect with you. Think about it logically: She’s not intending to fight about sex. She’s intending to engage in a discussion about it so she can, A) get some reassurance that she’s not going to be rejected were she to initiate, or, B) communicate to you her wish for you to initiate sex. Stop viewing it through a historical lens which is fogged up with negative meaning. Try viewing it through a clean lens, sans baggage.

The next time she brings it up, take her hand, look her in the eye, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you also want to be closer with her, to connect more deeply with her. See if that doesn’t begin to break the negative cycle. And for the love of God, if you still want this woman in your life, make love to her – even if you’re not in the mood. I’m not in the mood to take a shower right now and get ready for work, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.


Dear Dr. Darcy:

I broke up with my ex of one year last November, and since then haven’t dated any girls at all, in fact, most of my friends are boys because I don’t feel like I can trust girls/ connect with them, and I wasn’t like this before the break up. It’s annoying me, it feels like some sort of mild phobia of connecting with other girls again.  I am 21 and am quite shy as it is, although I do try to push myself. I finally have the job I’ve always wanted, but this one aspect of my life has left me unfulfilled, that I feel like a loser that can’t really connect properly with other women (platonically or otherwise). My true personality shines when I’m talking to boys I’m friends with, but with girls I get nervous even when I’m not attracted to them. I know I have quite low self esteem, it’s as if I’ve told myself I’m awkward and I’m subconsciously living that label.  Thank you for reading this, and for any advice you might give me to improve.

ANSWER

Your analysis is absolutely right. You’ve given yourself a ‘mild’ phobia, which is to say the following: You were hurt in your last relationship, and you were (and are) very young, and because that wound happened at an age when you didn’t have a ton of life experience, you created (consciously or unconsciously) a rule to keep you safe in the future: Women aren’t trustworthy.

We create ‘rules’ to keep us safe, particularly as young people, and for a time those rules work for us. After all, you probably haven’t been hurt by a woman since your breakup. But that rule has a downside – it’s caused you to isolate. And the more you’ve isolated, the more you’ve judged yourself for being awkward around females. Well of course you’re going to be awkward around females if you rarely expose yourself to them! So your judgment isn’t fair.

Here’s the solution:

  1. I want you to make a list of the five meanest things you say to yourself when you imagine yourself around women or when you are around women. Then I want you to pretend you’re me (or someone in your life who would defend you) and defend each of those statements.

Example of Mean Thought: I’m such a loser around women – I can’t even maintain eye contact.

Example of Defending Yourself: I’ve gotten into a habit of not looking women in the eyes. I’ll break the habit. It will just take time.

Do this for each of the 5 mean things.

  1. Set an alarm on your phone for five times a day. Each time the alarm goes off, read the Five Defending Thoughts. Do this for 30-days.
  1. On Day 31, go to a coffee shop and make eye contact with a woman and smile at her. Make it your business to smile and say hello to women every day from day 31-60. By day 40, I want you to begin engaging women in brief conversations. Hi, how are you is all I’m looking for. From day 31-60, when that alarm goes off, substitute the Defending Thoughts for real life experiences of what you’ve done to improve your circumstances.

My bet is that by day 61, you’ll have made vast improvement. Don’t wait for the New Year to start. End 2014 strong. Good luck and don’t forget to send an update.


Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 11.09.43 AMDear Dr. Darcy: 

A close friend of mine might be in hot water. She found out her boyfriend (whom I’ve always hated) was basically cheating on her and doing things like going to strip clubs behind her back. She enlisted some of our friends to get back at him. They took him down to a club that has a bad reputation and convinced him to try a glory hole. It wasn’t hard because he’s a cheating jerk with no respect for women. They arranged to have the girl behind the wall trade places with one of our friends, a gay man. He had no idea he was being sucked by a man and that we were all watching. Right after he came my friend surprised him and caught him literally with his pants down. She broke up with him right there and revealed he had just gotten a blowjob from a man.

I witnessed it and I have to say it was glorious. His face was priceless and I wish I had a picture of it. He is the biggest homophobe and cop supporter. The angrier he got the funnier it was. Eventually we all split because he was getting a little scary. Later we heard that he was telling people he was raped and that he was planning to sue. He said it was “straight baiting” and that it was illegal.

So did we do anything wrong? I would do it again in a heartbeat. If it’s illegal it shouldn’t be. Sure, our friend group is pretty wild and we have a good time. He wasn’t hurt. It serves him right for being so homophobic.

ANSWER

His lawsuit would look like this: Guy buys cocaine, uses, decides it was too cut/very impure, tries to sue drug dealer. It’s not happening. The blowjob that he got was illegal because there was payment involved. That it came from a man is irrelevant, though clearly not to him.

This was one of the funniest and karmically-correct stories I’ve ever heard. This guy’s got more character flaws than my audience has patience to hear me lament on, so I’ll close with saying it was perfection. Well done.

Writer’s Stats: Femme, Lesbian


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