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Dr. Darcy,

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now.  She’s a wonderful woman whom I love dearly and plan to marry. The only issue is our sex life. We’ve never really had much of a sex life and I am the problem.  My desire for sex is just not there. I never initiate anything sexual and as the “butch” one that is a problem. My girlfriend is now angry and resentful that I haven’t done anything to fix our problem but quite honestly I don’t know how to fix it.  I am on the verge of losing her. I want to fix it but just don’t know where to start.  The times I do try and start an intimate encounter, she thinks I am just doing it to appease her and not because I want it.

I am lost and don’t know what to do to fix it. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Regards,

Hopeless in CA

ANSWER

Hang in there – we’re going to fix this.

I’m going to give this to you honestly – and it’s not going to sound sexy or very romantic. And for those of my followers who are hopeless romantics, I’m warning you now: You’re not going to love this post.

Here’s the thing: You don’t necessarily feel like working every day, right? But somehow you manage. The same goes for working out. And once you’re doing it, I’m sure you derive some pleasure from it. We do lots of things that we’re not necessarily initially in the mood for, but we do them anyway and generally, we’re glad we did them.

Having sex – and not having sex, becomes habitual. And your problem is that you’re waiting to feel differently before you act differently – and it’s not working. You can behave your way to a good sexual relationship. Sex attracts more sex. And having sex ups our desire to have sex.

You’ve got to end the cycle of not having sex. Today. And yes, your girlfriend is going to feel like you’re initiating sex to appease her, but you’re not. And that’s not a signal to stop. That’s a signal to reassure her that you’re doing it because you want to have sex, because you love her and because the two of you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

Am I making myself clear? I want you to have sex today. Don’t worry about what she thinks, cancel whatever plans you have, and make love to your girlfriend. Today.

Please report back.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.


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Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 10.01.00 AM

Carrie (speaking to her therapist’s other patient, who she just slept with): So why are you in therapy?

Guy:  I’m really fucked up about women. After I sleep with them I completely lose interest in them. How about you?

Carrie: I pick the wrong men.

 

Dr. Darcy:

I have a crush on the male patient who sees my therapist the hour before I do.  He used to come with his wife, he now is alone….and we have chatted briefly.   I want to meet him outside the office…but I am worried my therapist will not approve.

ANSWER 

This better not be one of my patients.  Ha! Only kidding.

If you’re are worried that your therapist will not approve, there is probably a legitimate reason why your therapist wouldn’t approve.

Honestly, I’ve never been faced with this situation so I’m not sure how I’d feel. I suppose my feelings would be influenced by what my client’s issues were. If you were my client and had a history of hooking up with people you meet under inappropriate circumstances, I’d raise an eyebrow over your crush. If you had a history of gravitating towards unavailable people, I’d do more than raise an eyebrow. We would have a discussion in which I’d point out to you the historical pattern you have of being attracted to individuals who cause you drama. Ultimately it would be your decision since, sadly, I can’t control what my clients do. I’m just the girl who helps them clean up the mess.

My point is this: Does this feel even vaguely familiar to you? The desire to meet someone who you know used to be unavailable and likely still is (divorce takes a while – as does grieving the relationship)?  Have you historically felt the desire to hook up with people who you meet under awkward circumstances – circumstances that would render the hookup inappropriate? If it feels at all familiar, I’d encourage you to open up a dialogue with your therapist so that you can recognize the pattern and not repeat the same mistake. I’m a big fan of making new mistakes in life.

Writer’s stats: Female, Heterosexual.


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Screen Shot 2014-04-16 at 10.32.49 AMHi Dr. Darcy:

I was wanting to know by any chance if I was gay or not. When I see two guys kiss, I get turned on so much that I feel… hornier than if a girl and a guy made out. In the past [I’ve had] had sexual dreams of having sex with men and it’s been such an amazing turn on for me.

ANSWER

Yes, I think that there is a very good chance that you are gay.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Bisexual/Gay


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