Ask Dr. Darcy

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My wife has been nagging me for years to see a doctor because she thinks I have ADD [attention deficit disorder]. She’s mad that I’ve been out of work for almost 6 months and am not Mr. Mom now that I’m home all day. Her attitude towards me has gotten so bad that I don’t even want to have sex with her anymore.

I’ve wondered on and off my whole life if maybe I have ADD, but I don’t want to see a doctor who’s going to put me on medication that will change who I am. I want to be Me, even if being me is flawed. Do doctors ever just prescribe therapy without drugs for ADD?

ANSWER

Good doctors do. Most do not.

It’s much easier (and more lucrative) for a psychiatrist to write out a prescription than to turn away a new patient / refer the patient out for therapy.  And most psychiatrists aren’t trained themselves to provide therapy, so the alternative to writing out a script would mean losing the patient. You can see how this sets up a conflict, right? But let’s get back to you:

You’ve got a problem, and it’s not just your wife. It takes 2 people to nag: One to ignore and the other to nag. If you’d do something different, she would too. You sound like you’re in a power struggle and that there’s a parentified dynamic going on with your wife playing the mom role and you playing the child role. No one wants to sleep with Mommy, so it’s no surprise to me that sex isn’t happening. Know that it’s within your control to make a decision to act differently which will, over time, result in her acting differently.

Now if your behavior is beyond your control, it’s time to see a shrink. Start with an ADHD specialist to determine whether or not you meet criteria for the diagnosis. If I were you, I’d see an LCSW or a PhD. I would not see an MD/psychiatrist for the exact reasons I described in the first paragraph of my response. If it turns out that you do have ADHD, I strongly recommend that you first work with your specialist on ADHD coaching to learn how to compensate behaviorally for your disability. Once you’ve got some new behavioral patterns in place, I’d suggest you consult with the shrink to see if he/she still believes that you need medication. At that point, I see no reason why you shouldn’t introduce a low dose medication to use in conjunction with the ADHD coaching. Used together, you are much more likely to have a positive prognosis.

I understand that you don’t want to change who you are. ADHD medication shouldn’t do that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a client whose personality changed as a result of ADHD meds. With that said, you keep yourself at a disadvantage in your refusal to determine once and for all whether you have this disorder. If you have ADHD and you’re not being treated for it, it’s like trying to drive a car on square wheels. Get yourself an evaluation so that you know what’s what and then get to work on your marriage and on your career.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Straight.

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I recently hit hard times. I’m having a hard time meeting rent and can’t afford to go out anymore…. I came to New York to be a dancer and I can’t even afford dance classes anymore.  Ironically, right next door to my dance studio is a high-end strip club. I’ve been approached by the manager of the club (I guess he watches dance classes and approaches dancers who he wants to hire) and he’s offered to pay me $200.00 a night plus tips (tips can be over $500/night). What I stand to make in a night is more money than I currently make in 2 weeks. Do you think it would be a terrible idea if I just danced in the club for 6 months until I’ve saved a good amount of money? It would be such easy money!!!

ANSWER

Let’s be clear: It would be the toughest money you’d ever earn. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a strip club but I certainly have, so let me clue you in on the reality:

The men will touch you every time they tip you. Some of them will be old enough to be your grandfather. Initially, the few hundred dollars a night that you’ll make will satisfy you, until you see girls leaving with double your pay for doing lap dances. You’ll soon learn that lap dances in the VIP room brings in even more money, but what you don’t know is that you’ll have to give blow jobs for that.  After you get desensitized to that, it’s just a hop, skip and a grand jeté into becoming an escort.

Your 6-month plan is delusional. It’s a fantasy. You’re expenses will increase with your salary. You won’t be disciplined enough to live beneath your means and so you’ll save little, if anything. You’ll blink and six months will have turned into a year. In the meantime, sure, you’ll be able to afford dance classes. But how long do you think it will take for students in your studio to find out that you’re a stripper? And once they know, your teachers will find out. You’ll be branded. Teachers and choreographers won’t consider you for jobs because they’ll think of you as someone who’s not a real dancer.

You are at a fork in the road.  Turn the wrong way and you’ll abandon your dream of becoming a professional dancer, regardless of the silly 6-month story you’ll tell yourself. My advice is to walk past that strip club and into your dance school. Every day.  Find a way to get discounted classes. Clean the toilets in exchange for free classes. I used to. And since we both know that you train at my school, clearly it’s possible. You just have to make the right choice, which is sometimes not the easier one.

Writer’s stats: Female, bi.

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Welcome to Tuesday’s Tips, the one-day a week when I dispense useful, actionable and empowering tips!

Admit it: The term we have to talk sends a little shiver up your spine. It’s probably one of the most universally dreaded statements. I’m not sure if it’s worse to be on the receiving or giving end, but for today’s purpose, I’m going to teach you how to be on the giving end (without ever uttering that sentence).

Conflict and bad feelings only get worse when we avoid dealing with them. We tend to avoid difficult conversations for fear of the outcome. We don’t want things to get worse, we don’t believe the other person will change, we don’t have time or it’s just not the right time.  The excuses are endless. And they stop here.

Below is a step-by-step guide to get you to the other side of a difficult conversation. Grab your balls, your ovaries, or your equivalent thereof and commit today to building some emotional muscles by learning this life skill.

1. Detachment. Detach from the outcome. The importance of having this conversation has less to do with the outcome and more to do with your emotional health. It’s bad for you to keep things inside. And it’s bad for your relationship. If you’re not invested in things going your way, you’ll be able to express yourself in a calmer and less escalated way which will result in a more productive conversation. Decide that you’re having this conversation to build the emotional muscle of having it rather than for the purpose of getting your way.

2. Who Do You Really Need To Speak With? Believe it or not, many of these conversations don’t need to involve another person. Most difficult conversations need to be with ourselves, not with someone else… If you’re about to set a boundary, the bigger discussion involves your willingness to stick to the boundary. So often my clients come to me wanting to prep for a very serious conversation with another person and by the end of the session they see that there’s really no need to involve the other person. If they’re willing to stick to what they need to do, they just need to do it rather than talk about it.

3. Be Willing To Be Wrong. Humans value being right over being happy. Don’t go into a difficult conversation if you’re committed to proving the other person wrong. It’s fine to go into it with the intent to express your opinion, but at the end of the day, one of our most essential emotional muscles is the ability to agree to disagree at the end of the talk. And do ask yourself whether you value being right over being happy, as they are often mutually exclusive.

4. Set An Appointment. Once you’ve worked out all the internal issues listed above, you’re ready to start.  Begin by asking the other person to give you some times when he/she is available to speak. Doing this gives the other person a sense of control over the situation and is likely to result in lowering his/her resistance going into it. When you set it up like this, you’re more likely to get a willing participant rather than someone who feels blindsided by your agenda to puke your hostility all over them.

5. Express Your Intention. Let the person know from the outset what you’re looking for. I always like to start by letting the person know that I’m just looking to be heard (this is almost never the case with me) or that I’m looking for a behavioral change (this is more often what I’m after). If you want a behavioral change, be crystal clear about what it is before you begin so that you’re able to request it.

6. Mirror. Agree to paraphrase each other’s words as you take turns sharing your feelings and thoughts. This allows each person to feel as though they are being heard. And for the love of God, do not have a phone, computer etc. within reach during a conversation like this.

7. Validate. After you’ve paraphrased the person’s thoughts/feelings, find something reasonable about their perspective that you can validate with some sincerity.  Even if at the end you agree to disagree, let them know that they’re not crazy; that what they’re saying makes sense to you.

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