Ask Dr. Darcy

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I’m not devastated over the cheat. I’m pissed off because from the beginning I wanted an open relationship and only agreed to monogamy for him because he insisted on it. Now of course he’s willing to have an open relationship but strangely I’m inclined to just walk away. What’s that about?

ANSWER

An open relationship is not the same thing as a relationship absent of honesty.  Your boyfriend ripped the honesty out of the relationship and now that he’s caught, he’s willing to consider an open relationship.  What he doesn’t understand is that an open relationship actually requires more honesty and better communication than a monogamous one because the stakes are so high.

It makes perfect sense to me that you’re disinclined to move forward with him. Why would you want to be with someone who betrayed you? I think you deserve better. Go out and find yourself a real man who has the balls to take responsibility for the type of relationship he really wants.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Gay.

Tweet

Share:

If you've found this website helpful, please click the Donate button. I'm grateful for your support.

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My wife has been nagging me for years to see a doctor because she thinks I have ADD [attention deficit disorder]. She’s mad that I’ve been out of work for almost 6 months and am not Mr. Mom now that I’m home all day. Her attitude towards me has gotten so bad that I don’t even want to have sex with her anymore.

I’ve wondered on and off my whole life if maybe I have ADD, but I don’t want to see a doctor who’s going to put me on medication that will change who I am. I want to be Me, even if being me is flawed. Do doctors ever just prescribe therapy without drugs for ADD?

ANSWER

Good doctors do. Most do not.

It’s much easier (and more lucrative) for a psychiatrist to write out a prescription than to turn away a new patient / refer the patient out for therapy.  And most psychiatrists aren’t trained themselves to provide therapy, so the alternative to writing out a script would mean losing the patient. You can see how this sets up a conflict, right? But let’s get back to you:

You’ve got a problem, and it’s not just your wife. It takes 2 people to nag: One to ignore and the other to nag. If you’d do something different, she would too. You sound like you’re in a power struggle and that there’s a parentified dynamic going on with your wife playing the mom role and you playing the child role. No one wants to sleep with Mommy, so it’s no surprise to me that sex isn’t happening. Know that it’s within your control to make a decision to act differently which will, over time, result in her acting differently.

Now if your behavior is beyond your control, it’s time to see a shrink. Start with an ADHD specialist to determine whether or not you meet criteria for the diagnosis. If I were you, I’d see an LCSW or a PhD. I would not see an MD/psychiatrist for the exact reasons I described in the first paragraph of my response. If it turns out that you do have ADHD, I strongly recommend that you first work with your specialist on ADHD coaching to learn how to compensate behaviorally for your disability. Once you’ve got some new behavioral patterns in place, I’d suggest you consult with the shrink to see if he/she still believes that you need medication. At that point, I see no reason why you shouldn’t introduce a low dose medication to use in conjunction with the ADHD coaching. Used together, you are much more likely to have a positive prognosis.

I understand that you don’t want to change who you are. ADHD medication shouldn’t do that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a client whose personality changed as a result of ADHD meds. With that said, you keep yourself at a disadvantage in your refusal to determine once and for all whether you have this disorder. If you have ADHD and you’re not being treated for it, it’s like trying to drive a car on square wheels. Get yourself an evaluation so that you know what’s what and then get to work on your marriage and on your career.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Straight.

Tweet

Share:

If you've found this website helpful, please click the Donate button. I'm grateful for your support.

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I recently hit hard times. I’m having a hard time meeting rent and can’t afford to go out anymore…. I came to New York to be a dancer and I can’t even afford dance classes anymore.  Ironically, right next door to my dance studio is a high-end strip club. I’ve been approached by the manager of the club (I guess he watches dance classes and approaches dancers who he wants to hire) and he’s offered to pay me $200.00 a night plus tips (tips can be over $500/night). What I stand to make in a night is more money than I currently make in 2 weeks. Do you think it would be a terrible idea if I just danced in the club for 6 months until I’ve saved a good amount of money? It would be such easy money!!!

ANSWER

Let’s be clear: It would be the toughest money you’d ever earn. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a strip club but I certainly have, so let me clue you in on the reality:

The men will touch you every time they tip you. Some of them will be old enough to be your grandfather. Initially, the few hundred dollars a night that you’ll make will satisfy you, until you see girls leaving with double your pay for doing lap dances. You’ll soon learn that lap dances in the VIP room brings in even more money, but what you don’t know is that you’ll have to give blow jobs for that.  After you get desensitized to that, it’s just a hop, skip and a grand jeté into becoming an escort.

Your 6-month plan is delusional. It’s a fantasy. You’re expenses will increase with your salary. You won’t be disciplined enough to live beneath your means and so you’ll save little, if anything. You’ll blink and six months will have turned into a year. In the meantime, sure, you’ll be able to afford dance classes. But how long do you think it will take for students in your studio to find out that you’re a stripper? And once they know, your teachers will find out. You’ll be branded. Teachers and choreographers won’t consider you for jobs because they’ll think of you as someone who’s not a real dancer.

You are at a fork in the road.  Turn the wrong way and you’ll abandon your dream of becoming a professional dancer, regardless of the silly 6-month story you’ll tell yourself. My advice is to walk past that strip club and into your dance school. Every day.  Find a way to get discounted classes. Clean the toilets in exchange for free classes. I used to. And since we both know that you train at my school, clearly it’s possible. You just have to make the right choice, which is sometimes not the easier one.

Writer’s stats: Female, bi.

Tweet

Share:

If you've found this website helpful, please click the Donate button. I'm grateful for your support.