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Screen Shot 2014-09-01 at 11.23.53 AMGood day Dr Darcy: 

I got myself into a tricky situation. 3 years ago I met a woman whom I believed was my soul mate. I knew she was in a relationship but when she asked me out, I said yes and we soon started dating. Eventually she left the other woman. 6 glorious months later in a classic case of karma, she cheated on me. I was shattered, picked up what was left of my heart and left her.

Around April this year she called me to say her son has been asking about me, so I agreed to meet with them. One of the things that drew me to her was her intelligence… We ended up talking about all kinds of things, and she mentioned to me that she is looking for investors for her business and I was looking for an investment opportunity. Sounded perfect.

I looked over her plan, and the prospects look good. But, the more time I spend with her, the more I realise that I am not over her. And I realise that for my own good, I need to remove myself from the agreement, but part of me is hoping for a reunion. My brain is telling me I need to revoke my offer to invest.

Advice please.

ANSWER

There can be no reunion because you already know the end of the story: She cheated for you, she cheated on you, and she’ll cheat on you again.

I want you to call her (do not see her in person again) and tell her that although you feel it might be a profitable investment, you cannot involve yourself for personal reasons. If she pushes the issue and requires you to explain, tell her this: Being a business partner is akin to marriage, and since we did not work out personally, I do not want to be in a committed relationship with you – professional or otherwise.

Moving forward, if her son wishes to see you, let her drop him off for an afternoon (the way divorced people do) and pick him up in the evening. Do not invite her in. Set boundaries. You have to protect yourself. If you don’t, know one else will.

Writer’s Stats:  I am a lesbian woman from Namibia.


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Screen Shot 2014-08-25 at 11.03.42 AMDr. Darcy: 

My boyfriend recently told me that he’s OK with me dating women. I’d really like to do it but I’m half afraid he doesn’t mean it or that he’s saying it’s ok just to see if I’m gay. I’ve never been with a woman before but I’ve always wanted to. Do you suggest I do it?

ANSWER

It’s my belief that we should believe what people tell us. If he says he’s OK with you dating women and you’re interested in it and it doesn’t violate your beliefs around being in a relationship, I see no reason why you shouldn’t.

Unless, that is, you’re afraid of finding out you’re gay, or afraid of falling in love with a woman, or afraid you’re not in love with the boyfriend. Any of these would be legitimate cause for pause.

Before you throw yourself up on Match, let me suggest you work out some rules with the boyfriend: First, is it his expectation that you’ll just sleep with women or does he understand that during the course of “dating,” you could [read: will] be forming emotional attachments? This is an imperative point of clarification. Second, does he have any expectations of participating? Three-way? Watching? How do you feel about his involvement?

People tend to assume that couples in non-traditional relationships are thoughtless in terms of protecting their primary relationship. The reality is that in order to have a successful polyamorous relationship, couples require a level of communication skills and emotional intelligence that is sadly absent in most monogamous relationships. So make sure that your boyfriend and you have the stuff of a super couple – otherwise I’d suggest you stay in your traditional relationship where your worries will be limited to the other thousand reasons for conflict.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bicurious.


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Screen Shot 2014-08-21 at 11.32.38 AMDear Dr. Darcy: 

I spent my childhood in and out of hospitals and therapists’ offices because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The amount of medications that I was on is too high to count. There were times when I was so drugged up that I was literally drooling and hadn’t noticed.

When I went to college I met a therapist who thought I was misdiagnosed and with his help I came off all my medications. That was 10 years ago.

I’m now in my late 20’s and in a very loving relationship with a man who has no knowledge of my former diagnosis. The problem is this: In the last year, I’ve come to think that I probably do have bipolar disorder, but I’ve been managing it by making sure I don’t give in to the manic impulses (I make sure I sleep even if I’m not tired, I don’t spend money I don’t have, I don’t cheat on my boyfriend even when I’m feeling super sexual) and by making sure I take really good care of myself during the dips in mood (I eat even when I’m not hungry, work out regardless of how I feel, never miss work).

I recently learned that my boyfriend is going to propose to me. My question is this: Do you think I need to tell him about my diagnosis? Even if I’m managing it OK?

ANSWER

Let me start by saying that what you’re doing to manage your disorder is 100% spot on. It takes enormous self-love and self-discipline to do what you’re doing without the help of medications and I’m deeply impressed by your commitment.

With that said, there is no shame in being properly medicated. If you’ve come to believe that you truly have this disorder, I would suggest seeking out a psychiatrist who is very conservative in what they prescribe (I can give you names in NYC if you’re local) because a rogue cycle could really put your relationship at risk. Which brings me to the boyfriend.

I think it’s bad for your self-esteem and for your relationship to keep this a secret. The message it sends to your self-esteem is that having bipolar disorder is something to be ashamed of. And it pretty much sends the same message to the boyfriend, who will eventually learn of the diagnosis, probably after you’re married – at which point he’ll feel lied to. Trust in him enough to tell him. He deserves to know your medical history. If you’re going to marry him, it’s his right.

Writer’s stats: Female, Straight.


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