Failure To Launch

Dear Dr. Darcy: 

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m both the luckiest person alive and the least deserving of my privilege. I come from a good family, I graduated from a top tier school, and when I realized I hated my chosen profession, my family agreed to support me in starting my own business. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve barely managed to make a dent in creating a coaching practice for myself. I don’t consistently take action. I’m like someone who binges on action and then stops completely. I’ll work 10 hours one day and I won’t touch my website again for weeks. Sometimes more than a month. I feel so guilty because when my parents ask how my progress is going I find myself lying to them. Lately I just avoid answering their calls preferring the distance that texting gives me. Do you think I’m depressed? Or just lazy?


I don’t think you’re lazy. I think starting a business is incredibly challenging because there is no one imposing tasks and timelines. And whereas the need for money would typically be a motivator, your parents, while well-meaning, have robbed you of that fuel.

If you’re depressed, you’ve come by it honestly. If I had two years of failing to launch, I’d be depressed too. I suspect your low mood is the result of your recent history of not meeting your own (or your parents’) expectations. Once we fix that, you’ll find that your mood will lift, creating a domino effect of positivity.

You’ve got to break your pattern of apathy. I think the quickest way to accomplish that is to create some accountability for yourself so you’re not left to whims of your mood to determine whether or not you’re going to work on your business. So here’s what I want you to do:

Find 3 people who you can share this blog post with and ask them if they’d each take turns being your accountability partner for a week. Friend #1 is your accountability partner for week one, Friend 2 for week two, and Friend #3 for week three. Here’s what they have to do for you: Each morning you call, email or text your accountability partner and tell them EXACTLY what actions you’re committing to completing that day. At the end of the day, you contact your partner to report on your progress. You do this Monday-Friday of every week. Three weeks of taking action a minimum of 5 times weekly should be enough to begin to break your pattern. Let me know how you’re doing at that point. And if you want to know why you’ve failed to take action for two years, along with some additional suggestions for reaching your goals, watch the video I’ve linked to here.

Gender & Orientation: Female, Straight. 

11 Tips To Fix Lesbian Bed Death

Lesbian bed death is not necessarily symptomatic of a doomed relationship and it's certainly not a phenomenon exclusive to the lesbian community. Pair any gender combination in a long-term relationship and most will report a decline in sexual activity over time. 

What I've found in my work with couples is that the more I focus on sex or the absence thereof, the more pressure the couple feels to fix the problem and the bigger the issue becomes, hence my unorthodox tips below: 

1. No sex for 30 days. Nothing. That means no touching any body part that would normally be covered by underwear and bra.

I used to own a restaurant in the West Village. I had a killer menu with about 10 no-fail hits. Every month I'd take a handful of those hits off the menu. Why? Because no matter how good it tastes, if it's always available, eventually it gets boring.

2. No discussing sex for 30 days. Lesbians can talk just about anything to death. Sex is now officially off the list of things to ‘process.'

3. Take care of your To-Do's before you walk in the door at night. Do not discuss any domestic management tasks in person for 30 days. Do it via email, on the phone or through texting, but from the moment you walk through that door at night, no more talking business.

4. No-tech dinners for 30 days. That means no phones or computers. Dinner, by the way, lasts a minimum of 30 minutes. Daily.

5. Engage in 5-15 minutes of non-sexual touch daily. Clothing should be on and keep your hands on G-rated areas.

6. Every day, catch your girlfriend doing something right and tell her about it. Don’t look for something huge. It can be as simple as, “I noticed you cleaned the kitchen up last night. Thank you.”

7. No criticism for 30 days. You heard me. Do not express anything that could feel blaming in any way to her.

8. Engage in an extracurricular activity without each other 1 time weekly. The activity should last at least an hour. It will give you something new to discuss when you're together.

9. No masturbating for 30 days. In case you can't tell, I'm trying to build up some sexual tension between the two of you. If you're taking care of your own business, you defeat my goal.

10. Institute Date Night on a weekly basis. Just the two of you. I don't care what you do, but don't invite anyone other than her to attend, and take turns planning it to bring an element of surprise back into the relationship.

11. Work out a minimum of 3 days weekly for a minimum of 30 minutes each time. As women, we become more sexual when we feel better about ourselves. At the very least, it will relieve some stress.

So there you have it: A recipe for reconnecting without the pressure of having sex. A new way of relating to each another that includes dinners and dates, sans distractions and criticism, all intended to remind you of the courtship phase.

Want sex-specific exercises to bring back the heat in your relationship? Click here to download Dr. Darcy's 30-Day Cure For Lesbian Bed Death!

Doom and Gloom: Dealing With A Chronic Complainer

Doom and Gloom: Dealing With A Chronic Complainer

Dear Dr. Darcy: I have a close friend who complains about her life constantly.  She’s in a bad relationship (or none at all), she’s underutilized at work, she’s fat, ugly, still in love with an ex – you name it, she’s annoyed by it. Some of it’s true (not her being ugly) but she doesn’t do anything to change those things. It’s to the point where when I see her name pop up on my phone, I ask myself if I’m feeling strong enough to withstand her negativity without it sucking the life out of me. I feel guilty because she’s never done anything to hurt me, but when faced with having to see her, I find myself wishing I’d get the stomach flu to have an excuse to cancel. Am I an asshole?

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